I feel so completely disconnected with the outside world.
Wow. The internet is pretty addicting. I always did suspect it was addicting ever since at the age of 16 I stayed up an entire night questing around its wonders aka wasting what could be valuable time sleeping.
I have not had internet at home for about two weeks now. I've had to travel down to my school's library or the office to get some school work done. Then once the school work is done I'm either much too tired to take a look around at what is going on or I'm starving and need to go hunt for food. But you know how maybe sometimes it's a bit late at night and you're not sleepy and this creeping thought comes to your head and says, "Hey, let's go check out some stuff online!"
Yeah, I kind of miss that. Instead I've opted to watch a bunch of television. I'm seriously beginning to think that tv is even more unhealthy than the internet.
Also, I have become addicted to American Idol. Well, okay, I'm not going to blame that one on the internet-less portion of my current life since I began watching it at the beginning of the season. I had never before tuned into this show, not even in high school when I suppose everyone used to watch it. Now I feel like a 12 year old girl rooting for David Cook to be amazing every week. It's exhausting! Yes, even more exhausting than school. Okay, I take that back. Really back. This semester I've probably lead what may outwardly seem like quite a sad life. But to me it's been pretty fantastic. It's been sort of like this:
That, by the way, represents a Lewis Structure to my life this semester. Haha. Yes, outwardly sad, I know.
I have two finals on thursday, one of which I'm really not looking forward to. However, I cannot wait to take it....like a woman. That's what my prof told us to do. If you're a man, take it like a man. If you're a woman, take it like a woman. I'll probably end up taking it like one of those unfortunate animals that tries to run away to no avail from a ginormous lion that eventually catches up to it and tears it to pieces. I really do not enjoy those discovery channel/animal planet clips. I really don't.
I'm once again applying to see where I can volunteer at this summer. I really wanted to do it at the Miami Children's Hospital but I'm guessing due to gas prices I probably should try to drive less than a 2 miles radius around my house. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it that would be expensive driving to Miami everyday. So instead, I'm now thinking of an Alzheimer's home my prof has recommended. So, we'll see how it all works out.
Well, I better get back to studying. Only about 47 hours and 45 minutes until my first exam. That is scary. Very scary.
In the movies, in fiction, in lyrics, I always seem to run into that uplifting thought that, well, "nothing is impossible!" And well, I have to admit that I took it and placed it in my mind under the "facts" section.
Don't ever forget, the world could be falling apart, but nothing is impossible.
Well, as these past couple of years have passed there's just one thing I wish I could change, in fact, I thought I could change, but the impossibility of it has really become apparent now.
I cannot change it. It is impossible. I have to accept it.
I don't think of my actions as sacrifices because I know that one day I will miss even the worst of these days, but I do wonder what it would be like if things were just a tad bit different.
I've always been incredibly positive about everything that I've encountered along the way.
Really, I mean, I've failed a couple of times...no, many times, but I've never worried about things too much. I'm not even sure if that is a good thing. I tend to not worry at things that are rather important. I always figure they will solve themselves out. I always figure I have the capability of fixing them. But this past month has been rough on me. Keeping a balance in my head of things that I must be constantly fixing is getting ahead of me. I feel as if I were a month behind my own life. I might have missed a couple of days here and there and now they've added up. I'm so tired.
Saturday morning I woke up let it all come out from my eyes. I felt so relieved.
The things I worry about are not about money, or school, or friends, or parents, or the future. My worry is something, so....different. My worry is being able to deal with the following decades and this appendage. It reached the point where it really did intervene with plans I had. But I care far too much to let it all fall.
I don't like to talk about it or even acknowledge it; only a few people know about it. I would probably give up many of the things I have now to get rid of this constant worry.
But I can't. I cannot change it. It is impossible.
And...I don't know...I don't know if I'll ever accept it to the degree that I should. It's hard, because earlier I really thought I could somehow change it all. But I'm not the atlas, the titan that holds on to Ouranous, or Paul Bunyun who dug up the Grand Canyon with his axe, or Sir Galahad who found the Holy Grail. They're all myths and stories and I'm just me. I cannot change the science of things. Maybe if I had lived one thousand years from today, I could have. But right now, I just can't. My biggest achievement today was between remembering to water my orchids and getting great calculations for a lab experiment. My biggest joy? Coming home from an awfully long day and being greeted by my two extra shadows, my dogs. They were thirsty and hungry and it fills me with joy to see them so happy to see me.
I need to focus on the things that are possible. I know there will always be those bad days but like I said, one day I will miss even the worst.
I find great parts of all days and piece them together into memories to think of when my head needs them the most. To think of them once they are gone.
I also know there are many more of those small pieces to come.
Things are looking up already: I just received my confirmation email for Istanbul and Paris this summer.
So, I'm not writing a song, or a book, or a movie but... this must be said.... many things are not possible, but then again, many are. And those are the ones I need to focus on. Also, I'm aware many of my sentences begin with the word "and" in this entry. =)
Je me demande, dit-il, si les étoiles sont éclairées afin que chacun puisse un jour retrouver la sienne.
I walked in a layer of white sparkles tonight.
The ground made me feel as if I were walking in a dream sequence from the nutcracker.
Quebec City sure is beautiful come christmas time.
I was walking around the mall this past weekend and could not believe the amount of Christmas merchandise that is already on display at the stores; just more proof that these past couple of months were packed on a high speed train going one thousand miles per hour...no wait, maybe one million.
I am, however, overjoyed that Christmas is once again just around the corner.
This semester, thus far, has reminded me of a bunny soup plate my mom bought me many years ago when we lived in Canada. I guess I wasn't too fond of eating and so she kept telling me that the more soup I drank, the closer I'd be to seeing the bunny. Well, after many gulps of exams and papers, and with finals coming up, it turns out this semester was actually the bunny to my last half of the year. That being said, two pretty drastic things have, in fact, happened in the past week.
For a very long time I've wanted to find a way to not have to worry about the strange shapes my hair decides to form into when I'm having to worry about my brain functioning well for the day. So I decided to just go for it and take it all off. Well, this first drastic change is what led to my second drastic (unwanted) change (I must emphasize the unwanted: very much unwanted). What happened was as follows:
I found a photo online of Audrey Tatou with a very cute hair cut and planned on asking Umni (a very lovely Korean woman who does an awesome job at cutting hair) if she thought I would look alright with it. However, because my printer had run out of ink, I was forced to bring my laptop with me to the salon to show her the photo. Well, sometime during that hour, I must have been entertained by the cows that were flying in the sky because somehow I (very stupidly) did not notice my laptop being stolen. And well....that's what happened. So now I am hairless and laptopless. Go figure.
What truly amazes (and scares) me is that every day I remember something more that I lost along with my laptop. I cannot believe how much of my daily life of the past two years has been recorded into that little box. All my papers, my photos, my music, my lab reports, my conversations, my videos....
I do not like having this realization that I have depended so much on my laptop. In a way, I'm glad it is gone because I can now start with a new outlook on whichever new little devil box I decide to buy.
I also moved around everything in my room the day before I lost my laptop (this was the fourth time this year). Well, when I was done I realized that I placed my tv about 25 feet away from the cable outlet. So I also did not have tv (until last night when I finally went to radioshack to get an extension).
I spent one week without tv and much of the internet (I did have to do another one of those lovely lab reports and check my emails); it was the week that has gone the most smoothly this entire semester.
On a much better note, I will be spending almost my entire winter break in a wonderful place I like to call...well, I like to call it that because that is in fact its name...Canada.
My last exam is on the thirteenth of december and I leave the fifteenth to Canada. My return ticket is for the fourth of January. Nothing could make me happier. So I'm looking forward to my long lost memories of all my christmases spent in Canada, even though this year, it will be quite different than when I was a kid.
Well, I better go; I have a ton of work waiting for me on my desk that I have been avoiding....but it was nice writing here seeing as the last entry was back in august.
Oh! And unfortunately I cannot post a photo of my new hair cut (that I am so happy with) since I am still laptopless, but I will show you the photo that I used to request it (which also led to my being laptopess), haha:http://www.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/4753/Events/4753/AudreyTaut_Pimen_8667582_400.jpg.html?hint=group
Hopefully the next time I write I'll have had a better week.
I decided, about two weeks ago, to once again read Pride and Prejudice.
As soon as I finished, I watched the Joe Wright film.
Well, as I suspected, I have fallen in love with this story once again.
There's just something about it that I love. I love all the characters and love the way things evolve in the novel. I love the formalities and manners of it all. For this reason, for this week, I've decided I was born in the wrong century. Yes, this week, I am convinced I have.
I was very sad for the first half of the day and consoled myself with the fact that, hey, on the comedic side of all this, it is friday the 13th. Lets blame it all on a silly superstition. To add even more to that, last week I left my umbrella opened in my room for two days. What are the chances that because of this apparent foolish action of mine, for the first time in my life I felt so used and lied to?
Well, alright, I'm not superstitious but that would be quite a knee slapper, right?
Yet tonight was beautiful.
I went with my family to the beach.
We had pizza and cokes and then walked on the shore.
We talked, and talked, and talked, and saw amazingly, beautiful, shooting stars.
There is something so uplifting about getting your feet wet on the ocean, at night, under shooting stars, and having those "Oh my god! Do you remember that time when...." conversations with the people you love.
An overwhelming feeling of confidence and assurance must have been traveling through the salted ocean water because as soon as I placed my feet in there, my mind thought, 'Wow. Everything will be fine.'
So I refuse to become bitter about all this.
I've always been very forgiving, and although this truly tested me in this area, I intend to remain this way.
Having anger only hurts me.
Movies tend to be a great way to cheer myself up and so I bought the Philadelphia Story. Here's one of my favorite scenes with James Stewart and Cary Grant. Hope you enjoy. =)( Film ClipCollapse )